YOU:

Dave, how have you been? It's been a long time.

DAVID:

Well, fine. I have a little family, and I'm teaching high school here. I'm a physical education teacher and really enjoying life. I understand you've made it big.

YOU:

Yeah. Well, I really have been kind of lucky. I'm editor of Cosmopolitan now.

Perhaps you heard.

DAVID:

Of course I have. I've seen you on TV on talk shows plenty of times. I hear you

make a huge income, and you even have your own agent.

YOU:

Life's been good. Yeah. It's really been terrific.

DAVID:

Now there's just one thing I heard about you that I really didn't understand. You

were talking to a friend of ours, and you were saying how you're so much better

than I am now that you've made it big, whereas, my career is just average. What

did you mean by that?   

YOU:

Well, Dave, I mean, just think about all the things I've accomplished in my life.

Here I am influencing millions, and whoever heard of Dave Burns in

Philadelphia? I'm hobnobbing with the stars, and you're bouncing a basketball

around in the court with a bunch of kids. Don't get me wrong. You're certainly

a fine, sincere, average person. It's  just that you never made it, so you might as

well face facts!

DAVID:

You’ve made a great impact, and you're a woman of influence and fame. I

respect that a lot, and it sounds quite rewarding and exciting. But please

forgive me if I'm dense. I just don't understand how that makes you a better

person. How does that make me inferior to you or nuke you more worthwhile?

With my little local mind, I must be missing something obvious.

YOU:

Face it, you just sit around and interact with no particular purpose or destiny. I have charisma. I’m a mover and shaker. That gives me a bit of an edge,

DAVID:

Well, I don't interact to no purpose, but my purposes may seem modest in comparison with yours. I teach phys ed, and I coach the local football games and that kind of thing. Your orbit is certainly big and fancy in comparison with mine. But I don't understand how that makes you a better person than I am, or how it follows that I'm inferior to you.

YOU:

I'm just more highly developed and more elaborate. I think about more important things. I go on the lecture circuit, and people flock to how me by the thousands. Famous authors work for me. Who do you lecture to? The local PTA?

DAVID:

Certainly in achievement, money, and influence you're way ahead of mi. You've

done very well. You were very bright to begin with, and you've worked very

hard. You're a big success now. But how does that make you more worthwhile

than I am? You must forgive me, but I still don’t grasp your logic.

YOU:

I'm more interesting. It's like an amoeba a highly developed biological structure. Amoebas are kind of boring after a while. I mean life must be like an amoeba's. You're just bumbling around aimlessly. I'm a more interesting, dynamic, desirable person; you’re second rate. You're the burnt toast; I'm the caviar. Your life is a bore. I don't see how I can say it clearly.

DAVID:

My life isn't as boring as you might think. Take a close look at it, I'd be

surprised to hear you have to say here because I can't find boring about my life.

What I do is exciting and vital to me. The people I teach are as important to me

as the glamorous you interact with. But even, if it were my life was more

tedious and routine and interesting than yours, how would that make a better

person or more worthwhile?

YOU:

Well, I suppose it just really boils down to fact that if you have an amoeba

existence, then you can only judge it on the basis of your amoeba mentality. I

can judge your  situation, but you can't judge mine.

DAVID:

What is the basis for your judgment? You can call me an amoeba, but I don't

know what that means. You seem to be reduced to name‑calling. All it means is

that apparently my life is no especially interesting to you. Certainly I'm feeling

nearly as successful or glamorous, but how does that make you a better or more

worthwhile per­son?

YOU:

I'm almost starting to give up.

DAVID:

Don't give up here. Press on. Perhaps you are a better person!

YOU:

Well, certainly society values me more. That's what makes me better.     

DAVID:

It makes you more highly valued by society. That's undoubtedly the case. I mean  

Johnny Car­son hasn't contacted me for any appearances re­cently.

YOU:

I've noticed that.                                                              

DAVID:

But how does being more highly valued by so­ciety make you a more

worthwhile person?      

YOU:

I'm earning a huge salary. I'm worth millions. Just how much are you worth, Mr.  

School­-teacher?

DAVID:

You clearly have mote financial worth. But how does that make you a more

worthwhile human being? How does commercial success make you a better

person?

YOU:

Dave, if you're not going to worship me, I'm not going to talk to you.

DAVID:

Well, I don't see how that would make me less worthwhile either. Unless you have the idea that you're going to go around deciding who's worth­while based on who worships

YOU:

Of course I do!

DAVID:

Does that go along with being editor of Cos­mopolitan? If so, please tell me how you make these decisions. If I’m not worthwhile, I'd def­initely like to know why so that I can give up feeling good and considering myself equal to other people.

YOU:

Well, it must be that your orbit is rather small and dreary. While I'm on my Lear jet to  Paris, you're in a crowded school bus going to She­boygan

DAVID:

My orbit may be small, but it's very gratifying. I enjoy the teaching. I enjoy the

kids. I like to see them develop. I like to see them learn. At times they make

mistakes, and l have to let them know. There's a lot of real love and humanity

that goes on there. A lot of drama. What about that seems dreary to you?

YOU:

Well, there's not as much to learn. No real chal­lenge. It seems to me that in a

world as small as yours you learn just about everything there is to learn, and.

then you just repeat things over and over.

DAVID:

Your work presents quite a challenge as it turns out. How could I know everything there is to know about even one student? They all seem complex and exciting to me. I don't think I have anybody figured out completely. Do you? Work­ing with even one student is a complex challenge to all my abilities. Having so many young people to work with is a challenge beyond what I could ask for. I don't understand what you mean when you say my world is small and boring and every­thing is figured out.

YOU:

Well, it just seems to me that you are unlikely to run into many people in your

world who are going to develop as highly as I have.

DAVID:

I don't know. Some of my students have high IQ's and may develop the same

way you did, and some of them are mentally subnormal and will only develop to

a modest level,. Most we average and each one is fascinating to me. What did

you mean when you said they were boring. Why is it that only the great

achievers are inter­esting to you?

YOU:

I give in! Uncle!